Counselling for domestic violence and abuse

Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behaviours that allows one person in the relationship to gain power and coercive control over the other person. The behaviour can involve various forms or harm, threat or violence, including; psychological, physical, sexual, emotional, and financial. Because domestic abuse can manifest in a number of ways, the signs aren’t always clear or immediately apparent. Some common signs to look out for might include:

• Injuries – you may see unexplained injuries or someone who is seemingly accident prone – bruises, cuts, burns, scratches, broken bones or other injuries that the other person cannot or will not explain. In addition, they might wear clothes, accessories or make-up to cover up and you might notice that their attire is not suited to the weather or situation.
• Loss of confidence and self-esteem - The person might seem more withdrawn or quieter than usual.
• Isolation – they may have reduced or totally cut off contact from family, friends and support network.
• Fear - They (or their children) seem afraid or their partner or the other person in the relationship if not an intimate partner.
• Shared anecdotes - They may talk about their partners behaviour in concerning ways, including talking about their jealousy, bad temper, intrusion, lack of trust.
• Controlling - Public situations where their partner is witnessed being critical of them, humiliating them, controlling or ordering them about or not allowing them to make decisions or have input.
• Distress – the person impacted by violence is likely to exhibit emotional distress, or show signs of depression, anxiety, stress or fear. They might also experience low self-esteem, shame, guilt or feelings of worthlessness.

Recognising the signs of domestic violence, when (and how) to reach out for support is critical in breaking the cycle of abuse. Some signs to look out for that might prompt you to reach out for support could include:

• Feeling unsafe or scared within your relationship
• Difficulty sleeping or concentrating
• Noticing decreased self esteem and sense of self worth
• Becoming isolated from family and friends
• If you are walking on eggshells with this person – and either changing your behaviour, avoiding things or staying quiet so you don’t trigger them
• Noticing thoughts that maybe you “deserve” the abuse (please know that nobody deserves to be hurt or blamed for someone else’s behaviour)
• Emotional distress – including experiencing depression, or other mental health concerns as a result of domestic violence
• Noticing patterns in your relationship – where you notice and experience conflict, manipulation, control or abuse are occurring
• If you are asking for a sign to justify asking for support. Anyone can ask for help, at any time. There's no such thing as a relationship needing to be a certain level of "bad enough" to seek support.

Many people ask, “Is this domestic violence?” when thinking about the behaviour or actions of someone they are in a relationship with. Although it is important to identify and call out domestic violence, its even more important for people to know that they do not have to accept or tolerate any patterns of behaviour that make them feel unsafe or disrespected - even if they don’t meet typical criteria of what could be considered domestic violence. Any behaviour that is not acceptable should be addressed, and its important to consider the following points:

• Have clear boundaries about what you will and will not accept, including any consequences or outcomes if those boundaries are violated. The other person might not understand them or agree with them, but they need to respect and adhere to them.
• Communicate with loved ones – there is a lot of shame and stigma associated with domestic violence and it can keep people quiet, but this is a risk factor associated with domestic violence. When people become isolated it gives more power to the perpetrator. So ensure that you talk to loved ones about your concerns and let them know what is really happening. 
• Professional supports - If you don’t feel comfortable with the above point, or don’t have any trusted people close to you, ensure you reach out to trusted professionals who are trained, skilled and can provide support and resources and who can also keep your information confidential.

Please note, that if you felt scared or worried about retaliation or what might happen if you did address the behaviours of the person you are in a relationship with, it could be an indicator of domestic violence. Your safety is important, so also consider some of the other points associated with safety planning or accessing supports if this feeling was triggered in you when considering this topic. 

It is important to seek support immediately if you have experienced harm or are in current danger (call 000). Or if you think you or a loved one are in an abusive relationship you need to protect yourself and take action as soon as possible. 

It's important to note that supports are unique to each individual and each relationship, and in some circumstances, leaving or taking certain types of action can increase risk – so its important for you to understand that not everyone wants to leave a relationship, and even if they do it is not always easy or straightforward. But some options to consider if you are thinking about leaving, or just want to access supports could include:

• Call the police and consider your legal avenues (protection orders such as AVO, VRO)
• Talk to someone you trust
• Develop a safety plan
  • You might do this with a trusted family member or friend, or you could call a support service (some options included below) that specialises in family and domestic violence and seek help to create a safety plan
• Put steps in place for financial help to ensure you can establish yourself in a new home or so you can leave and be independent
• Consider support and recovery – experiencing family and domestic abuse can result in mental health concerns and a significant impact on your wellbeing so consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or medical professional

Taking that first step to seek support, or explore your options can be a daunting, but there are a number of resources available to those who need help. Some steps or services to consider could include:

• Helplines – there is a list below (not exhaustive) of resources available within Australia who offer 24/7 hotlines which are staffed by trained professionals who can support with safety planning, information, crisis intervention and referrals to local support/services/resources
• Legal support and assistance – you might want to consider contacting legal aid, or lawyer or organisation who can help you understand your legal rights (including financial, property, safety or seeking protection) and can help you navigate the legal processes
• Community supports – in many communities there are resources or services for people experiencing domestic violence – including shelters, counselling, advocate and support or crisis interventions. You could do some research to see what services are in your local area (or use the Daisy App – more information below)
• Support groups – it may help to join a support group for people who have experienced domestic violence. It can help to experience solidarity and empathy from people who have had similar experiences, can share resources and offer a sense of community and connection

Domestic violence can impact on an individual’s physical health as well as emotional and psychological wellbeing. You may consider seeking support from a psychologist, or counsellor who has specific experience and skills in working with trauma, family and domestic violence, sexual assault or working with children on the same topics.

If you're in a life-threatening or urgent situation, phone Triple Zero (000) and ask for the police.

For non-urgent police attendance phone 131 444.

1800RESPECT

• Call 1800 737 732, text 0458 737 732 or visit their website www.1800respect.org.au for online chat and video call services

Lifeline

• Is a 24/7 service you can call from anywhere in Australia if you are experiencing a personal crisis or have suicidal thoughts. 131 114. You can also send a text message or contact their confidential online chat.

The Daisy App

The Daisy app was developed by 1800RESPECT

• Daisy is an app that allows you to search for information about support services in your area
• It is free to use and download
• Daisy includes safety features to help protect the privacy of people who use it, including being able to search and view web pages through the app which means the webpages wont appear on website/internet browsing history

Men

• MensLine Australia - phone 1300 78 99 78 to manage conflict and anger, relationship issues and violence in the home.
• Men's Referral Service - phone 1300 766 491 - works with men who use family violence, and the sector that supports them to change their abusive and violent behaviour

Teens and Children

• Kids Helpline - phone 1800 55 1800 for a free and confidential counselling service for young people from 5-25
• The Line – is a website that provides information about healthy relationships Sex, Dating and Relationships? | The Line | The Line
• Australian Childhood Foundation supports children and young people to access counselling and support services if they have been affected by abuse. support@childhood.org.au and 1300 381 581

LGBTIQA+

• QLife provides services that are free - phone 1800 184 527 or webchat counselling service for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans and intersex (LGBTI) people, families and friends from 3:00 pm to midnight.

Pets

• The RSPCA Safe Kennels Project provides emergency boarding for the pets of people affected by domestic violence - phone 1300 477 722

Discrimination occurring for those in the LGBTIQA+ community can increase their risk of experiencing family and domestic abuse, in comparison to other groups in the population. In addition, lack of understanding, shame or stigma can create barriers to accessing support. There are also distinct types of violence which can be experienced including:

• Stopping someone from accessing gender affirming care – including medication, medical procedures, therapy or other care. 
• Forced conversation therapy participation.
• Forced body modifications.
• Pressure or threats to make someone conform to gender norms they don’t align with.
• Threats to “out” someone’s gender or sexual identity.
• Threats to expose intersex status.
• Threats to expose HIV status.
• Isolating or cutting someone out of the family or relationship due to gender or sexual identity.
• Body shaming, or name calling specific to gender, sexuality or intersex status.